Originally written over 2 years ago, I thought it would be worth sharing for those who still struggle with thinking control is the answer.
Oh dear friend how I hate to see you go. You’ve protected my sanity for 15 years, but I can do it on my own now. You remind me of Santa Claus — I knew you weren’t real, but I still believed in you. I trusted you would work for me when I set you free on any situation.
It took me only a few short years of marriage to learn that my husband was a cheat and that’s when you took a stranglehold on me and started to grow and choke me out like a weed for the following 7 years. I didn’t realize my husband was a full-fledged sex addict and had done much more to betray me than just view a few sites on the computer. I felt like things were not right, but could never put my finger on it.
You enabled me to get a handle on the chaos of my life by making me “neat freak” in cleaning the house and staying organized. You fooled me into thinking that would make everything okay, especially if I really controlled other people and things. So the more I controlled, the more disappointed and crazy I felt when things didn’t work out. Even you were letting me down at that point. You caused me to become unhappy, bossy, fussy, particular and you made me lose my spontaneity.
The more I controlled to gain happiness the unhappier I became.
You caused me to fight with my step son and my husband. I think you even contributed to two people getting let go at work because of how you infiltrated my management style. You made me miss playing with my kids because I was too busy keeping order. I always hosted family events so I can control the menu and not have to interact by staying busy in the kitchen.
So in 2009 I decided to let you go. I let go of fighting with my husband about our sex life. I let go of things around the house. I let go of disciplining my step son. I seemed happier for it. You would rear your ugly head from time to time, but not like I used to let you.
And then you came back with a vengeance on the night I caught my husband sexting another woman. I used you in those early days yet you failed to get the truth out of my husband. You put me back into your clutches and I didn’t let go until I broke free of you in my authentic recovery and recognition of what had been done to me.
I now feel the weight of the chains you placed on me as soon as it happens.
No more! I shake the chains off immediately and pray to God they stay off.
At the time I thought you were my friend, but all you were was an evil distraction. You take many forms and often disguise yourself as being helpful, but now I know better. You caused me to be critical both silently and verbally. When the small controlling tricks didn’t work, they became compounded until I was so wound up by everything that was chaos. With you, control, I hurt my husband, my family and even maybe some colleagues at work. I am grateful to how you did attempt to protect me at a time I needed it most, but I am now grateful to have let go of these terrible traits. I am aware control takes many forms and I have to be on alert for the rest of my life as my husband gets better in his recovery I get better too. Control will be a distant memory! Goodbye and thank you.